There’s at least three different types of communication in China: where you are both saying what you actually mean; where you’re both avoiding saying what you mean, but both know it and can read between the lines; or where one of you is avoiding and the other is trying to guess what the first is actually trying to say. Unfortunately, my default point of situ more often than not seems to be the later one. Compounded further by the fact that the process needs to go through a translator, at times I want to poke the person across the table in the eye with the nearest pair of chopsticks.
So, this morning, I was asked if I wanted to still continue with an out-of-city work visit we had planned for tomorrow, because now it is raining. Initially perplexed, I said ‘Yes of course’, but when asked again, I wondered if I was missing a subtle nuance and actually that it was inconvenient for me to visit tomorrow…or dangerous on the roads. As I had some others things I could do, I said ‘Ok, let them know we’ll rearrange for next week’ at which a look of horror settled over my translator’s face and she asked incredulously ‘You won’t go??’ Utterly confused, and after trying to unearth the conversational subtext through half an hour of lip biting frustration, I spoke with more clear directions: “Ok, this is why I am confused…[receital of previous relevant conversation]…so do they want me to go or not want me to go? In my situation, what would you do?” to which even more horror crossed her face and she exclaimed “I can’t tell you what to do!” [I am her ‘senior’ and so she can not challenge me] After explaining that for me, translation of the subtext and cultural cues was as important as the direct translation of the words, she finally advised me that they were being polite and would actually be very impressed and happy if I made the extra effort in the rain to go. Right, we’ll go as originally planned then…effective use of an hour.
Unsuprisingly, this is not an uncommon situation to experience here. I’m certain I have caused a multitude of offense that I’m not even aware of in the last year, and much I am aware of, but just not quite sure of why.
Passive aggressive was a phrase someone used with me the other day. No, lets clarify this – used about me. And I totally agree. Somewhere in the mix, I’ve got lost in this ‘saving face’ phenomena and feel stupidly uncomfortable at expressing my consternation, but instead have begun edging round the problem and hinting at what I want others to do, only to be exasperated when I don’t get what I was hoping. Of course, in other cases the exact opposite has happened and I have become eloquently out spoken in the face of threatened misunderstanding [like twice in the last week, with Gaya and I being ready to go balls out with sneaky taxi stealers who pailed at the first sign of our wrath and apologized as they opened the door for us to get in]. I think the common thread though, is that the more I know someone here, the less likely I am to directly say what I think. I can’t take the discomfort that seems to descend like a cloud of tear gas, causing the receiver to recoil in social remorse.
Another expat said to me the other day “A year in China is like 5years in therapy for working out what pushes your buttons” – an interesting thought for a psychotherapist. Even if you love this place, the frustration can be immense and in those hot spot moments, you see what makes you thrive and what makes you dive. I know now that I love people who think creatively, question and take risks and I really struggle in the face of disparate communication. Don’t read this wrong, it’s the people that HAVE demonstrated these aspects of what I deem positive communication that have helped me to realise this as much as those who seem to completely lack the ‘virtue’. The gems that are going against the grain with intelligent responses to unintelligible situations are what make you smile the rest of the time.
So what’s going to happen then as I move through my first year and into my last four months? Will I become more outspoken or dissolve into the status quo? And is it a lasting effect, or will I simply morph with dialectic characteristic, adapting to [and in turn changing] whichever society I find myself in?
Chatter about china 